Was in kinda shitty mood past few days. Recieved an email from my dear friend, Annie, whom told me about wat has been happening around her. Don wish to talk bout it too much here. But i know i do understand what she is trying to say, how she would be feeling... But then again, i cant do anything, to cheer her up, nor to comfort her... Lousy me eh?? =(

Met up with Stephanie the next day, consulted her regarding the matter. Haven seen my advisor(Financial) for quite some time, and always asking if i could meet her at the most inoppurtune moment. Haha, oh well. Sat down, talked a little over it. Over the table, jus 2 cups of beverages, and most of the time, we exchanged silences over them. Well, same ol' me, haven changed a bit i guessed.

There were a few things that she said, n i thought over them. She seem to say i am too stressed up over things that i am doing, needa relax, need to take some time out, need some leisure n all tat. Which perhaps was what i was lacking, resulting in my often moodiness...

Thought over it, n yea... Told her, n myself, tat perhaps, i should slow down my pace, look at wat i can do, wats within my control... Live everyday as it passes happily. Indeed i feel better the next day, today was slightly off, but was still good. Do not know how long i can keep this going, but hope that it can kept going for as long as it can keep going...

Oh, did i mention she has a BF since her JC 1 years?? Sheesh, heartache sia heard that... Haiz... Haha, oh well... Anyway, i would still like to be single till i have completed my studies and established a stable career... I don have tat much time to spare noe... =p

Festive Christmas!! Not...

On this festive season where everyone, or at least just about everyone, is happy and joyous, celebrating and enjoying the festive season, i sit alone, upset, discouraged and thinking. Thinking about a problem that has been bothering me for some time...

But then again, i dun really noe wat the problem is... Contradicting isnt it?? Well actually, the only thing i have been yearning for, is someone who would be by my side, take care of me, someone who keeps me company, is willing to talk to me(more than i talk to her), able to hear and listen to my complains, etc etc etc... But somehow, it never seemed to occur.

My grandma jus passed away two days ago, and i was at her wake. I din get to see her face till today. She seemed really peaceful when she left. Wasnt it a good sign?? Though i do know that she has had a lot of illnesses while on this unearthly earth... Been to the procession. Wonder how many will be at mine... To say their final words of departure... Kinda sick am i??

I really do wonder how its like to have a gf, someone to call ur own, someone who is willing to be by ur side... I finally understand why there is such a term, such as desperation. Somehow, it finally hit me. Somehow, i feel i am in need of company, but not just any company. I suppose this is wat they call desperation...

Reading books, looking around at the world, hearing from others that ppl get together... Somehow, it jus brings joy, yet sometimes, hurt... Was speaking to Mark, husband of Angeline, my cousin, couple days ago, and he too, was curious and surprised about some of my remarks on this... Was also impressed i had my future mapped out, what i wanna do, and how deeply i thought(though i know i think a lot about useless stuff i cant do anything about). And he simply says, i jus haven found the one for me... Well, suppose its true, since its from a married man... Haha...

Guess all these just boils down to pure loneliness... The need for company. But then again, i cant talk, much less to say, sweet talk... So most probably, i'll jus bore the hell out of whosoever may be my partner... Guess fate was sealed there and then i guess...

Tomorrow would be another working day, Christmas day as well... What a splendid Christmas to spend... this year... What an awfully boring one...

I have decided to go back to the Lord. Its been too long since i have been dragging and floating around without doing anything. I believe i would not make a mistake by trusting him once again, for it was, and still is a way of life... A life that i chose to accept... I believe it would not only bring me relief, but once again, find joy within seeking the truth of life... The joy i once lost, because i did not stand firm in my decision.

Its been so long since i once felt this feeling of loneliness and emptiness within. Dealt with anger and frustration for the day, it feels so depressing to be unable to share with others. Do not know why, but... Upon thinking back, everything just seems so little, so minute... But when i am dealing with it, it jus got to seem so tough and overbearing... Is it just me, or am i exaggerating and thinking too much??

Went for an interview at Carlton and Grand Copthorne Waterfront today... Both interviews were... Err... Screwed up... Haiz... Dunno when will i be able to get my hotel for attachment... Hope that Holiday Inn will call me up though... Now, its the more interviews the better... Haiz, pissing me off...

Annie Annie... If only you werent so far away... If only the time lapse between both of us werent too great... If only... If only... How much better things would be like this... ... Haiz... Few more years, and i do not know where your next dedstination would be... How sad can one's life be... My best wishes are with you, may nothing untoward happen to you...

Few things runningt through my head jus now. Attachment in a few wk time, but no hotel accepting me yet. Kinda upset... No sch coz syllabus finish, nv go sch, got scolded by my mom... Proj due on fri, still can go out and play... Wat an idiot...

haiz... Shall tok bout my inner thoughts next time. no mood to say anything... Bugged... =(

Really feeling glad, and happy, for a burden is being let off my chest. Would like to thank my V.S.O.P for the decision i have made, to tell Annie about my feelings, for i was drinking before even speaking to her. As stated in my previous entry, i was really shocked and stunned about her statements.

However, after letting her know about my feelings, i feel so much more at ease. I believe that my action has secured our frienship, bonding us closer than the past.. I hope i wasnt be naive on my part. And i hope our friendship would continue forever more... Now that she knows wat weighs most within my heart, there would be no restrictions with speaking and telling her anything...

I guess that seals our fate as friends, not of being together as a couple anymore... A load off my chest, for now that is... One will never know about the future... For now, kinda feeling light headed... Having Badminton session in the afternoon as well... Hope nothing goes wrong... =P

Man, am i an ass or an idiot or a moron?? Or am i just too damned stupid?? Having feelings for Annie, yet don dare to tell her... Knowing that she is having problems, yet cant comfort her... Uselss fool right?? Damn it... How i wish i have power and control over every situation i am facing... Damned Shit...

Wat she is saying really worries me...

a n n i e* says:
this may disappoint u

a n n i e* says:
or surprise lar

a n n i e* says:
when u are alone in a ctry... although i haf a lot of friends... i will sill feel v lonely one.....

a n n i e* says:
i m scared i lose control of myself....

a n n i e* says:
when i get soooo desperate for someone to care...... i v scared leh

My gosh... I would never have expected something like this from her man!! My god... Someone tell me wat to do...

Ghost Of You And Me by BBMak

What am I supposed to do with all these blues
Haunting me everywhere no matter what I do
Watching the candle flicker out in the evening glow
I can't let go When will the night be over
I didn't mean to fall in love with you
And baby there's a name for what you put me through
It isn't love, it's robbery
I'm sleeping with the ghost of you and me

Seen a lot of broken hearts go sailing by
Phantom ships lost at seaAnd one of them is mine
Raising my glass, I sing a toast to the midnight sky
I wonder why the stars don't seem to guide me

The ghost of you and me
When will it set me free
I hear the voices call
Following footsteps down the hall
Trying to save what's left in my heart and soul
Watching the candle flicker out in the evening glow
I can't let go when will the night be over

IT SUCKS TO HAVE NO ONE TO TALK TO!!! WHY AM I HERE ON THIS SINFUL PLACE!!!?? WHY DO I HAVE TO BEAR WITH THE NONSENSE PEOPLE CREATED!!!?? WHY CANT I HAVE THINGS DONE MY WAY!!?? ANYBODY HAS THE ANSWER!!!?? NO ONE!!!!!! FUCK THIS PLACE DAMN IT!!!!! SCREW YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hahahz, had a good time Friday afternoon playing badminton... Saw Stefanie there. Was like, "Oooo.... ok... oh well"... yea, that kinda thing. Played all the way from 4 - 6, with occassional breaks for water... The rest were resting after a while... Basket, haha... Felt kinda bad. Smacked the shuttle into Samuel's lower left lip. The area cracked and swelled, bled quite a lot... Haiz...

Yesterday, din really had a good afternoon. Was really looking forward to Social nite yesterday. But then coz of this prayer walk thing which i din wanna go, ended up with me staying home. Gary was like, "U all wanna do ur own things, but don have time for ministry work, go think about it whether its logical anot la..." I was there like, WTH... Should this kinda thing ever happen again, i make sure i shoot him in the face... Nv think bout how ppl feel being forced into doing smt they have no wish to do...

Today have to rush my proj... Dunno wat to do... Sianz... And its gonna rain... Argh...